"Home" again

I haven't written in a while.  So I take up my electronic pen and paper and pick up with the most recent events.  I am back home, but we will get to that later.  I have left Chicago.  Wonderful, beautiful, urban Chicago.  And am currently in Dallas.  Unimpressive, conservative, suburban Dallas.  And while I did get to see friends, friends that I love, (this will sound horrible) me seeing them doesn't seem to outweigh the hatred I have for this city.  

I sit up awake in my bed.  Someone who doesn't know might see this as a child excited about Christmas.  But this is not holiday inspired sleeplessness, this is in fact depressing sleeplessness.  While I was trying to fall asleep I came to a realization.  I hate everything about my so-called home.  My family:  My mother who has played favorites ever since I was born out of wed lock.  My sister:  The perfect child who wasn't expelled and lives such a great life.  On the outside my mother tries to make it seem like, "Yes, a single working mother of two can make it work!"  Like some terrible commercial.  When in fact, it doesn't work.  AT ALL!  Our family is like a sinking ship.  My mother is still trying to believe that everything is fine, that our family is normal, or within the worlds standards of a "weird" family as everyone has a weird family.  Well, our family isn't like that.  We are dysfunktional beyond belief.  We fight all the time.  We do not resolve conflicts, we just get quiet for a while and move on like nothing has happened.  And that brings me to why I hate this place.  This structure that I have called a home is not in fact my home.  These four walls with there disgusting paint job and cracks , have in fact held me captive.  

I hope to never return to this place again.  The funny thing is, is that anyone who knows me will tell you I hate the cold.  I LOATHE it with every fiber of my being.  But I would rather be wandering the streets of Chicago a naked whore.  Then be here in this so-called home.  This place of opression, depression, and tears.  And perhaps the worst part about this home is that there is no love.  I am not sure that love ever actually existed.  And people can say that the cars, the education, are all signs of love.  But with these material things comes an unimaginable guilt trip, and if love had inspired all of these things, the person who gave them to me wouldn't guilt me, they would be happy that I am happy.  And say three words that I have longed to hear for far too long.  I love you.  The parental love, the love that say that I will die for you.  The worst part about that is, I can't remember the last time anyone has said that to me, and even worse yet, I don't think they ever will.  And while this might sound pity party-ish, its true.  But what I want you to see, when you see me, is not an unloved person.  I want you to see someone filled with love.  Love that needs to be given to others.  Because no one should have to live in a place where they don't feel love.

This is a really sad blog post, sorry.  Dallas gets me down.  I'll write a happier one when I am back in Chi!

This song embodies what I feel when I am home.  Everything about it says what I want from my mother.  

End of the quarter

So I can't really think about what to rant about, but I figured that it has been too long since I last posted.  But a lot has happened.  A friend nearly died.  I lost (did I really lose it) a roomie.  Made a new friend.  And I finished my first college classes.

I do have one thing that I want to write about.  I was in mortal fear this entire quarter that I was failing my classes.  I mean, I went to retarted HS and now I am going to a real university.  And even tho I know I am passing all of my classes, I am still in fear that I am going to flunk out.  If I wouldn't have left my original HS for reasons (if you don't know, you should not be reading this blog) I probably would have flunked out anyways.  So I think that I am now in this mindset that I am set to fail.  But as I sit on my bed, listening to Marching Bands of Manhattan, I realized something.  The person who put me in that mindset is my mother.  And you know what....  I could care less what she thinks about me.  She doesn't know me.  The closest we have ever been physically and emotionally was when I was in the womb.  And I aim to prove her wrong!  Thats right mom, focus on the favored child, and I'll do just fine without you.

If you are still reading this I want you to know, that even tho I may not know you.  I love you.  Because you are taking the time to read a random persons thoughts and feelings.  And there need to be more people like that in this world.  

Love, Rev RJH

The World is a-changing, or will be...

I awoke today with the sun shining in my face.  I got up and stretched, and it hit me like a brick to the stomach.  History will occur today.  And this feeling hasn't left me since.  I was walking back from class, and as the sun set, with brilliant colors, I felt like the sun is chrushing down on my chest, and I can't catch my breath.  But you have to ask yourself "What does this election mean to me?"  I think that this election is so important because we have essentially grown up in war.  And we had no choice about who was to lead us into this war, and now that we have a choice, it seems like our civic responsibility.  And when people don't vote just because they don't want to, I am filled with such RAGE!  I would kill to vote, but apparently Texas doesn't believe in absentee ballots.

As I recieve an IM I realize what this feeling is.  It is a feeling of numbness, like how I feel when I take my focalin.  Perhaps this is because I was unable to vote and I had/have no say in who will be leading me or this nation.  And that is scary to me.  Comment if you think this is irrational, or offer your thoughts.  Don't give me hate because I support, just offer constructive words.

The traumas of college

I sit on my bed recounting the events of the past few weeks, and I feel this deep sense of, hopelessness.  I know that sounds emo, but its true.  Everyone dreams of the day when they leave home and go to college, I know, I was that way too.  And I chose the best city, and the furthest place from home.  And I realize, that friendships that were my LIFE in HS, are slowly but surely dissintegrating.  I called my friend the other day, and I couldn't for the life of me find anything to talk about.  Perhaps this is a good thing.  Perhaps college is where you go to solidify the new friendships you have and leave the drama filled friendship behind.  

But I find myself homesick, craving these friendships.  And my bed.  Bestie went home for the weekend, and I was so jealous.  Also, I have noticed that I have ennui.  I didn't really know how to incorporate that gracefully, but I have.  The past few days have consisted of getting drunk, eating massive amounts of junk food, wanting cigarettes, watching Little Britain on Youtube, and bitching about the weather.  You know college is supposed to be about education, and I am doing everything BUT!  I am also bitching about the lack of a certain someone who adds a dash of excitment to my life.   But for his sake I will not talk about him.  

Just wanted to see if anybody else feels the same.  Now for a rant.  I went to PLuS (LD program) and scheduled my classes.  And I wanted to know about intersession.  Intersession is this three week period in between Thanksgiving and Christmas in which I can gain credits.  I want to do it, and my mom wants me to do it too.  I bring this up to my clinician, and he tells me that it is too hard for me!   I wanted to yell, scream, stab him with his shitty kiddy safety scissors!  I am not like most of the kids in that program.  I AM CAPABLE!  I WANT TO BE CHALLENGED!  I am not pay 46k a year to get an easy education.  I felt like someone going to an expensive car dealership and the salesman saying that these are too expensive for me!  Now, I am angry.  I need a drink.  Peace and love darlings!

Sexy botch!

Once again, shock and awe across the nation as I have posted again on my blog.  I also believe that I will begin all of my musings (aka rants and pathetic stories) with "I sit here/upon/on/etc. on my bed"  If you think I should do so, please comment and say so.  If not, comment and give ideas!  GRACIAS!  Now on with my rants.

I sit here upon my bed listening to Nocturne No. 20 in C-Sharp by Chopin and I am thinking about the past week.  Rather trying, for reasons, that I do not want to discuss.  If you want to know, text me and I will tell you.  ANYWAYS!  I will recount this weekend.  Olivia texted me on thurs and said that she was gonna ask her godmother if I could go to God Squad.  I love you Olivia.  We pregamed way too hard core in my room, because by the time that we got to Katie's (Liv's gma) I was pretty drunk.  Reaching that point where you don't care how the drink tastes, just as long as it has alchohol.  Then I forged the way to the Loft.  I was very pleased to arrive, heaily inebriated.  I had resolved to have one drink and then go home.  I ordered a drink that sounded superb, a gin, vodka, lemonade, and cranberry.  As I sat down in the smoking room to smoke a cigarette, I placed my drink down on an IKEA ottoman.  Then this DOUCHE BAG (I feel a rant coming on)  KNOCKS OVER MY MOTHERFUCKING DRINK!  I SERIOUSLY WANTED TO BEAT THE GUY UP!  BE THAT OBNOXIOUS ANGRY DRUNK GUY THAT GETS PISSSED WHEN SOMEONE SPILLS YOUR DRINK.  AFTERALL, HE WAS THE OBNOXIOUS DRUNK GUY THAT UNKNOWINGLY KNOCKS OVER YOUR DRINK!  Anyways, I decided that I would just leave, I went to the golden apple, and eventually hired myself to go see bestie Lauren at Columbia.  I brougth my golden apple leftovers and we watched Junebug, which if you haven't watched it, I must tell you to watch.  AMY ADAMS AMAZING!  

Saturday, almost a total bust, due to the lack of alkie.  Liv and I decided to go to Y2K Cafe.  I ordered the peking duck, SO GOOD!  However, it isn't sitting too well with me.  Liv got the beef low mein.  The dinner was delicious, and during the 20 minutes that it took us to put our order in, we decided that we would troll down Halsted through Boystown.  I felt this especially fitting because I was sporting my gifted Burberry polo, my recently purchaced 20's vest, awesome Lena recommended hat, and light jeans.  So we wandered around.  I had two guys hit on me.  One was the quintecential BAD gay guy.  The guy that is balding, and is shaving it, and has a big nose, and looks 50 years old.  Then one was a fat black guy.  BUT I did purchase a halloween costume, that will most likely be SO absurd that it will be amazing, and spoken about for years to come.

Now I shall progress onto deeper matters.My highschool career is not what you would describe as average.  I got expelled for selling aderall, don't aks me for any, I don't take it, and u think I'd make the same mistake twice?!  ANYWAYS!  So I go expelled and then went to a retarted kids school.  And my bestie Lauren was always there for me.  And now I am in college, and I feel like I was jipped in HS.  My english teacher has told us to forget everything we learned.  FUCK the normal essay style.  While I find this refreshing, I feel like he is the only person who does this.  

Now I come to Olivia.  We are married on Facebook.  And we are having a baby named Dariusz Benjamin Banter Douglas-Hogge.  And she is my DePaul bestie.  And while I am creating all of these new friendships, I still have this regret in the back of my mind.  A good friend from back home has decided to cease all communications with me.  The reason is understandable, however, it seems as tho the 3 years of friendship have not existed.  But I suppose that that is the purpose of college, to leave your old friends, and to make new ones.  Oh, and get an education!

I realize that this post will be hella boring, but, why the hell not?!  Just like Kinky!

P.S.  I have also decided to make a soundtrack to my life.  It is as follows:

1:  Here I Come by Fergie

2:  Kids by MGMT

3:  Town With No Cheer by Scarlett Johansson

4:  Scarborough Fair by Simon and Garfunkel

5:  Breakable by Ingrid Michaelson

6:  The World Is Not Enough by Garbage

7:  Nocturne No. 20 in C-Sharp

8:  Promiscuous by Nelly Furtado

9:  Outrageous by Britney Spears

10:  Mr. Brightside by The Killers

11:  Homecoming by Kanye West

12:  Labels or Love by Fergie

13:  Move For Me by Kaskade

14:  Come What May from Moulin Rouge

15:  Crush by David Archuletta

16:  Speakerphone by Kylie Minouge

17:  Disturbia by Rihanna

18:  Buttons by PCD

19:  Jump by Madonna

20:  Womanizer by Britney Spears

21:  Iris by The Goo Goo Dolls

22.  When You're Gone by Avril Lavigne

23:  No One Knows I'm Gone by Scarlett Johansson

24:  See You Again by Miley Cyrus

If you see any sort of chronological order let me know!

Hello all!  SHOCK!  I have done a second post on my blog.  I am waiting for the n horsemen of the apocalypse to appear.  Until then, I will relay my week to you.

Monday, I got the delightful news that my essay that was supposed to be due this Wednesday is due the Wednesday after next.  HURRAH!  I have more time to procrastinate.  It also gives me more time to actually go to Wal-Mart and observe people instead of fabricating observations.  However I am quite sure that my observations are accurate.  For example, HEINOUS CLOTHES!   Organized from XXXL down.

Let me abbreviate the rest of the weekdays, more procrastination, and bitching and moaning (justifiably) about my incompetent math teacher.

Friday however we went to see street car.  It twas amazing!  I cried 3 count them 3 tears at the end of the play.  After the play we went to the after party which was a total bust except that they didn't card for the first 30 minutes.  So I was able to get sufficiently buzzed.  We then returned to LP.  I got my enormous bottle, equivalent to handle, minus the handle (they should just call it the college bottle) and deposited it in Olivia's purse and ventured to Ambrosia, the shitty hookah bar, with my wife Olivia, great Jewish mother Lena, hairy Kyle, Kyle's spiky friend Zackers, sporty Derrick, and slutty Diana.  There was massive making out occurring that night.  Lets recount.  

Lena/Olivia

Zackers/Olivia

Lena/Kyle

Kyle/Diana

Diana/Derrick

Bob/Zackers

Bob/Derrick

Bob/Derrick

Olivia/Diana

The making out between Olivia and Lena received claps from the other table.  Olivia now OWES me a makeout session, which will be fulfilled tonight!  I anticipate there will be more making out.  LENA why do you have to be allergic to alcohol?!  I have the urge to make out with this Anne Hathaway look-alike.  She is a good jewish mother, and looks like Anne Hathaway!  

I now lounge upon my bed like Cleopatra on the barge anticipating the wonders in store for tonight. BOOGIE NIGHTS party.  I got the most disgusting shirt from the most amazing consignment store!  I now must shower and get ready for a party tat promises to be AMAZING!  

Thanks for reading, and if the horsemen have appeared, will someone give them my cell number?

And so it begins...

I sit here on my extremely uncomfortable bed in my dorm, which looks a whole lot like a Siberian gulag, and think "SHIT!  What am I going to write about?"  In all honesty, I will probably only post once, and then forget that this even exists.  ANYWAYS, I digress, and I came to a semi-epiphany, probably induced by lack of sleep, my college life consists of running around campus, eating massive amounts of sub-par cafeteria food, texting people on Le Sidekick (my security blanket), doing homework, and getting wasted.  And I realized that nix everything else except the latter, and life would be perfect!

Now just rants..

People ask me why I came to Chicago from Dallas.  WTF?  Why not?!  Its Chicago, and I was in the Bible belt.  I have met some of the best people here.  And some of the worst.  One example of the latter, some girl from m orientation group heard from someone that I was dealing coke out of my dorm, and wanted to buy some.  WTF?!  And the people in the former catergory, Lena, gonna be a great Jewish mother someday.  Olivia, my fb wife.  And an assorment of others who are equally, but differently important to me, I just spend most of my time with those two.  Oh I almost forgot, an old friend, Lauren.  Been there since the beggining.  

I am going to bed now as my spelling is quickly begining to detriorate.