Still freezing in my thermal undies

I realize it has been a while.  Perhaps it was all the drama, and inner conflict.  A majority of which was cause by the weather.  "Do I WANT to go to class today?  Am I willing to endure this hellish cold to get to the SAC?"  The usual answer is no, but some unknown force compels me to put on my afortmentioned thermal underwear.  And make the long block and a half treck to class.  

I digressed there.  There actually has been a lot of drama, mostly self induced.  I think that I may have said this before but it seems that right as I get a hold of my life.  A major peice of it just falls apart!  I don't know if this is how it usually is, but I know it happens to me.  Except now, the little control I had has slipped through my fingers never to be recovered.  I have a research paper, and a paper talking about Daniel Burnham's Great Chicago Plan, due on March 4th.  So most likely from this day forth I will be found chain smoking outside my dorm, frantically throwing research and other such sources around my room, and sleeping amid a mountain of papers, looking a hot mess.  

Not only do I have the daunting task of major papers on the horizons, I have been required by the head matriarch...I like that, it adds a feeling of emotional detatchment that fits her quite well.  Anyway, I have been commanded by her to send down all of the receipts to account for my slowly declining bank accounts.  (Just a side note:  I went to chicago thinking, it is almost a thousand miles away.  How will she be able to control me?!  SOMEHOW she found a way!)  I have decided to not provide said receipts as most of my purchases are "undocumentable."  I jest, but a vast amount of my money has gone towards Chicken Potstickers at Wow Bao, and Raspberry Hot Chocolate at Argo Tea.  I long to just declare independence, then my mom has to pay more taxes.  But then that means I will somehow have to procure $44k a year to pay for my education.  So I am trying to weigh the pro's and the con's and while the pro's of making my mother aware of the things that I am buying are, I would sooner dive into a mountain of broken glass, than give her the satisfaction of knowning that she still has control over me.

Now we get to the recurring theme of almost every single one of my blog posts:  the contempt, or perhaps hatred that I have for my mother.  And trust me when I say, that this hate is not unwarranted.  The rap sheet on her is unending, she put me on adderall in second grade, and from then on used it to control when I was being myself.  She gave me unending grief, even to this day, about wanting to go to my first choice school.  

However, two people have given me great advice.  Person number 1 knows all of my demons, and said that even though I don't feel love, I should recognize the sacrifices.  And I guess I do recognize them, this education will be the only thing I will sincerely thank my mother for.  And person number 2, has given me hope.  That even though right now, I have little happiness in my love, or parental love.  (I got boat loads of friend love.)  I can start anew with my children.  And I can say that without a doubt, that I will love my children unconditionally. To these two people, I would like to say thank you.  I would like to say so much more, but then it would get creepy. And no one wants that.

As I sit here on my bed looking out at Chicago.  I can see a few rogue snowflakes riding an updraft, hitting my window, before finally falling to rest on the ground.  And I can see the two spires on the top of the sears tower.  And I can say with absolute certainty that I will be seeing those for the rest of my life.

FINALLY....

Over the past 5 weeks I have felt like I have been drowning, left adrift in the sea of academia.  But last night I stayed up all night and did 10+ math homework assignments, and with the passing of midterms, I feel like I am finally back on track...somewhat.  Something that I find slightly unsettling is that I have only taken 2 midterms, and midterms week ends tomorrow.  Or rather today, DAMN me and my night owl habits!  

Recently, I have been sick.  And now that I have made an almost full recovery, I am trying to find things to kill time.  These activities used to consist of playing MarioKart for Wii, watching South Park online, and Facebooking.  But now that I am better, I feel like I have changed.  I don't want to watch South Park, or look stupid with a Wii-mote.  I want to go out and do things!  I want to stay up all night and go watch the sunrise over the lake.  Its just my luck that this zeal or hunger, or whatever it is for life, comes when the temperatures remain in the single digits.  

Also, while I was sick I forgot about friends.  And it seems like so many emotional things have occured, and I have realized, that I want a boyfriend.  My friends have significant others, and I am the fag bangle (hate the word, but I totally am a fashion accessory) that goes to parties and eventually ends up sober sitting you, and going home to my empty.  Not trying to get pity, but I have finally realized that I want someone.  Not only do I want a boyfriend, I want gay friends.  I want my group of boys (or girls, ;)) to go out with on saturdays and then get hangover brunch at Nookies or Clarke's.  And so far my plight for brunch buddies has produced Patrick, who has so much drama in his life that it could choke a whale.

My last topic, I promise.  My mother, a displaced Yankee, has decided that she wants to live in Chicago, woman is smoking crack if she wants to endure this weather!  (Don't get me wrong, the city is great.  Just give me some reasonable temperatures, possibly above freezing.   I prefer not to see a single digit on my dashboard, while I debate about wearing my thermal underwear.)  I digress, and so while I am trying to establish my identity, which as the title of this blog would indicate is being the alchoholic gay man that is so flaming he asfixiates people with his fumes, my mother tells me that she is getting her lisence (medical) and is looking at houses.  WTF?!  I came to Chicago to escape your matricarchal oppression, and all of the sudden a nice change of scenery is what you need?!  What seems even more convienient is that my mother is looking for places in GUESS WHERE, Lincoln Park, Lakeview, and Wicker Park.  All of which are RIDICULOUSLY CLOSE TO DEPAUL!  And while I support my mothers decision to focus on her own life, I would prefer that she begin this focus at a safe distance.  Prefferably 5+ hours away.  

Anyways, thats all I have to rant about for right now.  

Writing from my room, in Lincoln Park, on the north side, in Chicago, and with love, Rev RJH